Yep this is us! Two peas in a pod. I love that little one with all my heart, as most mothers can attest. However, I can say there are times where I am like one, two, three…JESUS SAVE HER!
With that being said, dating is one of those times. I have been dating the same guy for six years, he’s great with her when they interact on a consistent basis, and vice versa. I say consistent because throughout these six years, we have been back and forth;on a status level, career level, career change, move etc. We have endured a lot, however this recent move has been the most difficult to adjust to.
He & I are pretty much on the same page, but there is definitely some hesistancy in it all. For instance, there was an incident in which my daughter called for help one day when she was in trouble and didn’t want to render any consequences. Obviously, that did not sit well with me and it put up an immediate road block for him. Why? Because he is not her biological father, but has been all she has ever known as a father.
With the recent high profile cases involving our African American men, I definitely understand his perspective. However its something we haven’t quite figured out a compromise to deal with. His career has taken off, and he feels he doesn’t want anything to jeopardize that, however in my philosophy/social services background my immediate defense is deal with it and know your rights!
I am torn on what to do, I know he is capable of being the greatest father, greatest husband, greatest companion, anyone could ask for. However I find myself wondering if that is for me or if those roles are better suited for someone else.
I think the biggest challenge for us right now is the distance. He has never done anything to compromise my trust, but the issues, his success, the lack of my success, have gotten me feeling the blues. However, he has subconsiously done something to compromise hers, he left.
Children are abstract thinkers, where as most adults are concrete thinkers. Trying to get him to understand, children in the middle of divorce often act out in a similar manner, they internalize why one partner left.
He also can be a concrete thinker at times, he has personalized her behavior.
I have even sought professional help because I don’t want to sever our relationship. I also know I have to get better control of my emotions for the sake of everyone involved and sink too far.
Over the past few months I have made it my responsibility to take control over my emotions. I have been reading serveral personal development books such as Unglued by Lisa TerKeurst, As a man thinketh by James Allen, and Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. I also start my morning listening to a sermon from Joyce Meyer or from Elevation Church.
I can’t begin to tell you how difficult changing my mindset has been. It has been difficult, but enjoyable. I do find myself stopping before I react. However, I know there is still much needed work to be done. I want my relationship to work, more than I want it to fail.
I am also instilling in my child, its ok to feel pushed away,you are going to encounter rejection on some level for the rest of your life. I am teaching her to voice her frustrations, so we can work through our emotions together. However its as equally as important for him to do his part in building and sustaining their relationship. This is the one time I have the role of peacemaker, usually he is the peacemaker between us.
I ask you for your prayers, suggestions, and advice. If you are feeling or experiencing anything similar, please share.