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Hello world!

Greetings! My name is Quita Lavette! I would describe myself as weird in my own kind of way.  I am neither your  100% happy go lucky person, nor your Debbie downer.  I would say by far I am very moody.

I am starting this blog because I believe there are others just like me, working to identify themselves, their career, their goals, all while managing bills, a family, and a life.  I didn’t want to make this just another blog, I want this to be a community where we can share our ups and downs without feeling judged.

Don’t get me wrong, I have great friends, but for me I feel as if I shouldn’t expect my friends to share my burdens all the time, especially when I see everything is on an incline, so here we have it, spilled milk & burnt cookies.  I love cookies and milk as a combo, but not really separate, further more there is nothing more irritating than when I spill my last glass of milk and burn my cookies cleaning up my mess, then I drop the cookies trying to rush and get them out of the oven, Lord and behold I spend days sweeping up crumbs only to find some still laying around weeks later.

The relevance, how often do we spend time focusing on one negative thing, it perpetuates into something else, too often.  How often does that too often begin to affect your relationships, friendships, work life, confidence, ALWAYS.

So lets see what we can piece together as a community as we clean up our spilled milk and cookie crumbs.   Help me make this a success and and community!

My two cents…

I normally don’t write about political woes, its not really my thing!  However  I am appalled and embarrassed our Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, a world renowned surgeon, and highly educated individual would refer to slaves as immigrants.  However I enjoyed reading the Twitter responses, after a long day of work!

Truthfully speaking, we are all technically immigrants as this country and land belonged to the Indians…however back on subject…

Slaves did not arrive here looking for a dream.  They were sold to slave ships after they became casualties of war, these folks were not free, they were forced to be here and treated worse than German cockroaches.

Immigrants play a huge role in this economy and ousting everyone we deem as a threat isn’t the answer. There are good and bad in all countries, states, cities, towns, etc.  Immigrants have helped forged many of our successful businesses, and contributed to this economy.  Why?  They came here to pursue prosperity and happiness from war torn countries.

WE as Americans, well most of us, especially millennials don’t understand their struggle to get here, because we haven’t had to endure bombs over our heads at night or bombs being placed in the schools where children are being taught.  Given the options, I would undoubtedly raise my hand to come to America if I lived in those conditions. Hell I am from the country (redneck Hollywood) and cringe at camping or drinking unfiltered tap water.

There will always be evil and long as there is a belief of God or higher power.  I am not saying there shouldn’t be extensive screening and we shouldn’t be more conscientious of who we let it.  I agree with his travel ban revision, but am outraged some of my family, peers, and cohorts, are so closed minded at the thought of someone different entering this country.

WE are imposing the same prejudice that our ancestors fought for, granted they were not terrorist, just plain ol folks wanting to be treated with equality, dignity, and respect. Those principles alone should be the American Standard….

Overcoming Rejection

So I don’t think we should keep in contact anymore. Its unhealthy, I am happy with someone and moving forward….

We have all heard something similar in our lifetime.  This may brought about peace for some, but rejection and fear in others.  This is a heart wrenching self actualization that someone you once loved or cared about has moved on.

We all have our own insecurities and doubts that will be casted in one way or another, however you can’t let those consume you or your energy.  It is important for us to realize that not every one is meant to stay in our lives, just as if we are not meant to stay on this earth.

I am choosing to write about this, because I am seeking suggestions or input on how others are teaching their children to face and deal with rejection.  I am a tough mom so my immediate response to my daughter is “chin up buttercup, your crown is slipping.”  I recently encountered that message though I am happy with someone else and have been for eight years strong.  I still felt some type of way though we spoke maybe, on a generous note, once a year.

I haven’t had any feelings for this young man since I decided to move on, however we all have those people in our lives you want to see well, and just hope they are still breathing.  I pride myself on having a big heart, sometimes too big.  I, on the other hand, struggle with immediately distancing people that hurt or disappointment. So through the years, not many people have made it into my future.  I responded with a message that was a little less than nice, by saying above all I am happy for you, but please do not flatter yourself into thinking this was more than a well check, farewell….  I recently found out a mutual friend had passed away and was seriously just making sure things were ok with folks I haven’t spoken to in years.  This is where I feel like my heart is too big…Why should I care if these people are doing well, they don’t care about me?

That is the voice of the enemy speaking, I can’t choose to not do right because I may step on toes here and again. Honor their wishes and realize its their loss.   I am me and I care about folks even when I shouldn’t. I support those, I shouldn’t as long as its the right thing.  I had to humble myself and realize this wasn’t personal, and I didn’t do anything wrong.  This was the realization of how grateful I should be of those that are accepting of me and my big gracious heart.  This was also the realization of how grateful I am things didn’t work out the way I hoped for in college.  I was being shielded from someone that wouldn’t have appreciated me or taken the time to understand me to the depths to meet my needs.  Besides I have been blessed with the tallest hunk of chocolate anyone could ask for, I wouldn’t jeopardize what we have for the wealth world!.

Please share your thoughts and experiences, what will you or have you shared with your children?

 

 

 

 

Just one of those days

Its Monday! It has been a while since I posted anything.  Let me start out by saying God is good! We never know how good we have it, until someone else tells you their story.  My friends, I ask you to pray for my neighbor that was recently diagnosed with cancer, he was the bread winner and his wife works odd jobs to keep the family afloat.

They could use all of the love, prayer, and support you can send their way.

Now on to my soap box, ladies and gents!  Men!!! What is wrong with you?! Ladies, especially the young ones, hear me loud and clear! If he doesn’t want you, and isn’t trying to keep or win you, due yourself the diligence and keep pushing!

I previously wrote a story about the balancing act of dating.  While it has been a great challenge and joy all in one, I must say I am evaluating my option of whether it is time to let it go.

Ladies, listen to your man, but more importantly pay attention to his actions.  I by far do not consider myself a relationship expert.  However I do believe my experience can be of help to others.

My last relationship ended after four years, the truth of the situation is he was selfish, he ended things and blatantly told me he was doing so because he could never settle with the fact, my child was not his.   I respected that, this was by far the game changer in life for me, or so I thought.

Tough me, I was minimized the situation and pushed to make something work, that never would.  I always thought I valued myself more than that, but there I was.  Well long story short. I started dating again before that was fully settled.  This has lead me to the six year journey I am about to discuss now.

It was pick me, pick me, I can do so much better for you.  Trust in many aspects he has.  Well that too came to an abrupt halt in September of last year.  We started the long distance thing in May 2014. It was all good until September when my child, acted out in public.  I love this man but he can hold a grudge better than a chipmunk can hold a nut! He has used this fear as an excuse not to move forward and played the card in January that we should move our separate ways…

I’m all chic, so I was like, “Who is she?” He stands by his story months later, there is and has been no one else..cool.  However nine months later we are still in this lingo stage and I’m mentally checking out.

I don’t feel as if anything can progress because I am not there. However I also don’t feel as if he is taking the extra initiative for “us.” We literally went three months without seeing each other. I couldn’t afford to make the trips there, I simply was strapped for cash. Long weekend, you think hey l haven’t seen her in a month, he hits me with the my buddy story and networking.

Now look, this girl is down to the last playing hand.  I am not begging anyone to make time for me, I should not and will not try to make a man place me on his priority list. If he is too foolish to see me slipping away, then I have truly wasted six years of my youthful life, I won’t blame him for that, I put that all on me.

I don’t want to make him sound like a horrible person, because he is not.  He is there if I need anything financially, but it isn’t about the money, or else I would have married off to someone else by now.  He is capable of so much more but I am not waiting on him to get his shit together, hes played this card before and I always prance back.  We are not intimate at this point because I told him I”m not settling for casual sex, I can get that without the complexities.

Am I being hormonal or unreasonable here?  I just may scream if he gives me another Les Brown speech…I do love those speeches though!

Balancing act of love: Daugther v.Significant Other

Yep this is us! Two peas in a pod.  I love that little one with all my heart, as most mothers can attest.  However, I can say there are times where I am like one, two, three…JESUS SAVE HER!

With that being said, dating is one of those times.  I have been dating the same  guy for six years, he’s great with her when they interact on a consistent basis, and vice versa.  I say consistent because throughout these six years, we have been back and forth;on a status level, career level, career change, move etc.  We have endured a lot, however this recent move has been the most difficult to adjust to.

He & I are pretty much on the same page, but there is definitely some hesistancy in it all.  For instance, there was an incident in which my daughter called for help one day when she was in trouble and didn’t want to render any consequences.  Obviously, that did not sit well with me and it put up an immediate road block for him.  Why? Because he is not her biological father, but has been all she has ever known as a father.

With the recent high profile cases involving our African American men, I definitely understand his perspective.  However its something we haven’t quite figured out a compromise to deal with.  His career has taken off, and he feels he doesn’t want anything to jeopardize that, however in my philosophy/social services background my immediate defense is deal with it and know your rights!

I am torn on what to do, I know he is capable of being the greatest father, greatest husband, greatest companion, anyone could ask for. However I find myself wondering if that is for me or if those roles are better suited for someone else.

I think the biggest challenge for us right now is the distance.  He has never done anything to compromise my trust, but the issues, his success, the lack of my success, have gotten me feeling the blues. However, he has subconsiously done something to compromise hers, he left.

Children are abstract thinkers, where as most adults are concrete thinkers. Trying to get him to understand, children in the middle of divorce often act out in a similar manner, they internalize why one partner left.

He also can be a concrete thinker at times, he has personalized her behavior.

I have even sought professional help because I don’t want to sever our relationship.  I also know I have to get better control of my emotions for the sake of everyone involved and sink too far.

Over the past few months I have made it my responsibility to take control over my emotions.  I have been reading serveral personal development books such as Unglued by Lisa TerKeurst, As a man thinketh by James Allen, and Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale.  I also start my morning listening to a sermon from Joyce Meyer or from Elevation Church.

I can’t begin to tell you how difficult changing my mindset has been.  It has been difficult, but enjoyable. I do find myself stopping before I react.  However, I know there is still much needed work to be done. I want my relationship to work, more than I want it to fail.

I am also instilling in my child, its ok to feel pushed away,you are going to encounter rejection on some level for the rest of your life.  I am teaching her to voice her frustrations, so we can work through our emotions together.  However its as equally as important for him to do his part in building and sustaining their relationship.  This is the one time I have the role of peacemaker, usually he is the peacemaker between us.

I ask you for your prayers, suggestions, and advice.  If you are feeling or experiencing anything similar, please share.